Hi, I’m Meghan. I am a wife, a mother, a serial DIY-er, and a chronic over-thinker. I am a child of Heavenly Parents and a disciple of Christ, and I am bisexual.
I had zero awareness of my orientation until the autumn of 2020, and I had only been wrestling with the shame and confusion for a couple weeks when I felt prompted to confide in my husband. At that time, I thought that this would just be a little blip of my life—a test to see if I would follow the spirit, confess, and then life would go on and I would be “cured.” I believed everything would be nice and normal, and I wouldn’t have to think about it again. My husband received the news beautifully and I thought we could close the book on this weird chapter of our lives. Like, Abraham didn’t ACTUALLY have to sacrifice Isaac, right? I’m not actually queer. I listened to the spirit; I passed the test. Done and done.
But it didn’t just go away, and I wasn’t “cured.” I ignored it. I absolutely did not identify as LGBTQ+, because it didn’t matter to me at all. I was married and had zero intention of breaking any of my covenants. I had plenty of other things to worry about. And I WASN’T queer.
I have always struggled with my mental health, but 2021 was a doozy. I just wanted to be happy and healthy, but I felt like my life was controlled by my anxiety, depression, and executive dysfunction. No amount of prescriptions or supplements—routines or rituals could keep me feeling like me. In between the happy moments, I didn’t care if I existed. I was so broken and so insecure. I felt like I was failing my family. I had no idea what was wrong with me.
During this low point, I had been praying daily to see myself as my Heavenly Parents see me, and to love myself as my Heavenly Parents love me. For months, I got very little out of it. I felt led to various LGBTQ+ LDS resources, but I still just saw myself as a good ally, someone who had a single experience to learn greater compassion and empathy. I was listening to a podcast and scrubbing a toilet in August 2021 when the spirit smacked me across the face with my REAL answer.
“We see you and we love you. And you ARE bi, dummy. You were created this way for a reason. You need to embrace it. This is the next step in your healing journey.”
I didn’t actually “hear” the words, it was like I felt the essence of them…so the spirit didn’t really call me a dummy- but that’s how it felt. I felt warmth and light and love and a beautiful, divine embrace, but also a teensy hint of a very endearing “bless your heart.” This was the day I came out to myself, but I don’t know if it really counts…it’s more like God “outed me” to myself.
And that experience has been a GAME CHANGER.
So that night, I re-came out to my husband, who again, handled it perfectly. (Seriously, he should probably write a book called, “How to Love People Unconditionally.” He’s a literal angel.) And since then, it’s been a whirlwind. Within a matter of days, I had come out to close friends and family. Within weeks, group texts and social media posts were made. Within just a couple of months, I was speaking openly in sacrament and working with others in my area to start a support group. Every step has been guided by the spirit. I think the quick progression caught a lot of people off guard, and there are some who doubt the sincerity of my words and the authenticity of my orientation. But when God tells you They need you to be gay, you listen.
That isn’t to say this process has been without anxiety or pain- it is, without a doubt, one of the hardest things I have ever had to process. I have felt deep, dark, crippling despair and absolute hopelessness over the things that people I love have said to me…I have cried so many tears, uttered so many prayers, and felt so much pain. But I have also experienced profound growth and edification. My testimony, my sensitivity to the whisperings of the spirit, my empathy, and my soul’s hunger for light and knowledge just keep growing, and I see God’s hand everywhere in my life. I look at people differently and I love people differently, and it is beautiful and wonderful and I would not change a thing. It is an absolute gift.
I am active in my ward and hold a temple recommend. I am more committed than ever to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I strive every day to be worthy of His name. My ward has been very loving and welcoming, and I am so thankful for that. But I do recognize the immense privilege I have as a bi woman in a hetero marriage in the church, and I want people to know that I will NEVER be used as an example of how to stay on the “covenant path.” I have a strong testimony of personal revelation, and I trust everyone to make their own divinely guided choices. Whether that leads you to the church or away from the church does not matter to me- I trust you to do what you need to do, and I would never put God in a box or place any limits on Their plan.
My goal is to help others realize their identities as uniquely, intentionally, and lovingly created children of God, and to use my privilege to build a bridge between orthodox church members and all of my LGBTQ+ siblings so that if they want to come to church, they feel safe, loved, and appreciated- not pitied or merely tolerated. I believe we all hold pieces of a huge divine puzzle inside of us, and I want us to be able to come together and see what we can create together. I don’t want to get to the end and realize we’re missing a few pieces- I want to see the entire picture, complete and whole. This is how I keep my covenants, and this is how I build Zion.
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