A little over a year and a half ago, I destroyed my almost perfect family by telling my wife I was gay. I have had huge amounts of guilt for the pain I caused her, my kids, and myself with all the lies I told for years. (And there were plenty of lies.) The biggest lie was that marriage would “fix” me or make me become straight. I believed that those lies were true and I hurt a woman because of them.
I knew when I was young that I didn’t connect with women like other people did. I loved my mother and adored my sisters but I didn’t seek the connection with girls that my friends did. For many years I used the Church’s teaching of “honoring women” as the reason why I felt that way. I had been taught since primary that women were special, not an object, and not for lust. Somewhere deep inside I convinced myself that my disconnect with women was a result of those teachings.
After puberty and junior high locker rooms—I knew I was gay. Everything inside of me yearned to hold a boys hand, to lie on his chest, and to cuddle in his arms.
My faith taught me to feel guilty for these feelings, and my heart told me that this guilt was the thief of happiness.
I denied my heart and gave into my faith. I followed the messages of church leaders and I found a women at BYU to marry.
Even though I have a great support system with family and close friends, I continue to struggle with telling people because that I am gay. These people, after knowing my story usually say, “but you were married and have kids.” I am not sure if the guilt of marrying a women in an attempt to change my sexuality will ever go away, but I take it one day at a time and pray that my life will get back to a “new normal.”
But for today I take this journey one step at a time. I am gay and that’s okay. I am making amends for my decisions and that has been beneficial. I thank those who have shared experiences, successes with their kids, and all the fun pictures! The posts like these have really helped me know that everything is going to be ok going forward! I hope mine helps someone too.
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Each Sunday we feature a new Coming Out Story on the Latter Gay Stories blog. Coming out is an important process that is different for everyone; some experiences are difficult; while others are heart-warming and inspiring. Coming out is rarely easy—but your story will help others draw inspiration from your own experience.
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