I’m a multi-generational member. Being a Latter-day Saint is a core part of me. I was baptized when I was 8 years old. I still remember it distinctly. I received my endowments in the Manti Temple. I looked across the altar in Salt Lake City as I was sealed to a loving and caring returned missionary. I’m also the mother of a 12-year-old transgender boy.
My oldest child was born a female. They loved cats, reading, and Primary. When they were about 6 or 7, I felt that something about them was different. I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. Deep, deep down, I started to worry about their ability to maintain a testimony and attendance in the church. I had no reason to worry. My child enjoyed church, diligently remembered prayers, and was excited to be baptized. I now know that this was the Comforter whispering to my heart what I needed to prepare for.
Around springtime in 2019, my oldest told me that they were questioning their attractions. We had a long talk and I swiftly began reading and studying on how my child would fit into the church. The 2015 policy had recently changed and I was working through my own personal thoughts and feelings. During this time, I would hear the stories of transgender youth and their parents. I would tell my husband how difficult it must be for families with transgender kids. My heart ached for them. I also now understand that this was a tender mercy softening my heart. I was learning line upon line about how our Heavenly Father sees all of these children and their families as Children of God. Little did I know that a few short months later we would become one of those families.
About a week after my child’s first youth temple trip, they told me that they are transgender. He told me how he felt in the temple and that he felt the spirit confirm to him his identity that he had been questioning for the last 5 years. He told me that he knew God loved him.
This was so new, and shocking to me. The winter before, my child struggled with his testimony, his mental health and self-harm. At 11 years old, he was suicidal. We were doing everything we could to help him. But he was struggling so hard and long with things I couldn’t even comprehend. But, when he was able to go to the temple, he was able to feel our Heavenly Father’s love for him. Attending helped him have the courage to come out to us. I will forever be grateful that he was able to have that wonderful, loving experience.
My husband and I struggled. We struggled in understanding how he felt. We struggled in understanding how he would still fit into church. We prayed and pleaded with the Lord to understand and how to help our child. During these tearful and heartfelt pleadings, it was firmly established that we needed to teach our child that God loves him and help him learn the teachings of Christ. Both my husband and I knew that there is a place for him. The spirit confirmed to us that our Heavenly Father loves him. We felt in our souls that God loves all of his children.
We started using his preferred name. We started telling others. We didn’t want our child to live hiding how he felt and living with this enormous, heavy secret. We were most nervous to tell people in our ward. We have been so fortunate that our ward family was so welcoming and loving. He has friends in Young Women’s and loving and understanding leaders. He hoped to join Young Men’s one day. As parents, we hoped for this too. We knew that there would come a time where being in Young Women’s would become too uncomfortable for him. We knew that he wouldn’t be able to progress in the church like his peers. But our main goal was to help keep his testimony strong. We were taking one thing at a time. We were on our knees in prayer to learn how to best move forward. He accepted a calling as class secretary and was looking forward to the possibility of attending the next youth temple trip.
When the new handbook was released my husband and I read everything we could that related to our child. Previously, there wasn’t much information about transgender individuals and it would be up to the local leadership to determine how to deal with different issues. We were excited to see some of the new information like having ward leaders and members use a person’s preferred name. We were lucky that this wasn’t an issue for us in our ward, as it was for many others.
But other information was disheartening. In our situation, I credit allowing our son to socially transition in saving his life and drastically reducing his level of depression which is non-existent now. The handbook now specifies that leaders counsel against socially transitioning. For us, socially transitioning has been a new haircut, new outfits and a nickname. Something very easy and simple has given my child strength to stay alive. It is difficult to understand that leaders will counsel against someone socially transitioning, especially when it may save their life.
My husband and I wanted to meet with the Bishop to see if any of these changes in the handbook would impact our child. During the meeting I told the Bishop that my son was really looking forward to the youth temple trip. I also mentioned that he understood that he would be baptized using female names, even though it made him feel very uncomfortable. My child was willing to sacrifice his comfort and feelings of safety in order to be able to attend the temple.
The Bishop said that prior to the new handbook, he figured that my transgender child would be able to do baptisms just as I described. But the new handbook has membership restrictions for people who have socially transitioned. The Bishop told us our son could no longer hold a temple recommend. My dear child, who is the same person inside as he was when he first received his temple recommend was now ineligible. Nothing other than a haircut, some clothes and a nickname had changed. He is still as worthy now as he was then. But now, because of a few words in a handbook, he can no longer attend the place that first gave him hope.
We are absolutely gutted.
We hold no ill will to the bishop. This was not solely his decision. Our bishop knows our family personally. He has worked to understand the position we are in. Unfortunately, until a close loved one experiences these feelings, we cannot begin to understand the difficulties they are going though. All we can do is listen to the stories of others, better educate ourselves, and try to find the Christlike love in our heart for people who are hurting because of church policies.
We knew that our journey with our transgender son in the church would be difficult. But after the changes in the handbook we feel like we have nowhere to turn. We are crumbling. We are hurting. My child can’t understand why a loving Heavenly Father wouldn’t want worthy members to attend his temple. I cannot understand either.
I do not know what the future holds for families like us. I have always hoped to be able to raise my family in the church. I worry that my faithful, and loving child’s ability to attend is rapidly approaching an expiration date. How much longer can I expect him to hold on, when he is being disciplined for being different? He has not sinned. But he is being treated as a sinner. How much longer can my husband and I hold on when our child is not allowed to participate in church ordinances simply for being sincere in who he is? How long can having a loving ward sustain my family while church policies are damaging us? I fear not long enough.
UPDATE:
The day after I sent this story as a letter (in an email) to Church headquarters, our stake president received a phone call from a General Authority, and word was passed down to our Bishop. My husband and I met with the Bishop and we were told they have some flexibility regarding the handbook because our son is still young. The bishop told us our son can have his temple recommend back.
We were completely stunned, especially with the timing of sending the letter. It couldn’t be just a coincidence. I have not cried happy tears in a long time. This has been an answer to a lot of prayers. We are feeling grateful and very blessed.
I sent the letter hoping that there might possibly be someone who would read it, and maybe use the information when adding to handbook information or resources. I never would have dreamed that it would be put into the right hands of someone with such kindness and understanding that it would actually change our situation.
This road is not easy. I don’t know exactly what the future will be for us. We are fortunate that this portion of our story has ended positively and with a swift resolution. There is much more work to be done, for us and for others. But there are people who care. There are people on our side. The more we share our stories; the more hearts will change.
