My name is Michael. I am 29 and a single parent of two beautiful boys who look just like their beautiful mother. I am a licensed clinician specializing in behavioral therapy for children with difficult behaviors. I have many interests including my animals, fitness, acrobatics, and volleyball.

I am gay and have a solid testimony of Christ, His Atonement, and His Gospel and I no longer attend services. Itā€™s been a colorful ride to this point in my life. I am grateful for people who understood that their lens isnā€™t *thee* lens and are willing to read about anotherā€™s experience that can be so different from their own. There is so much courage and value in such an act.

Iā€™m offering my story as practiceĀ ā˜ŗ.

I was born into a very close, loving, and extremely active LDS family. I am the youngest of 5 kids. I knew I was gay when I was 4 or 5. At that age, I noted that being that different was undesirable so I kept this part of me to myself for fear of judgment. But I had still had questions and the only resources for info werenā€™t reputable so I developed a highly skewed sense of what it meant to be gay. I thought it was always effeminate, secretive, hypersexual, and nearly nonexistent. Later in life Iā€™d find that, due to lack of experience or acceptance, there would be harmful resources waiting to offer their support. Iā€™m glad people are open to discussion now!

Thinking back, I donā€™t know which was worseā€”people unwilling to talk about homosexuality, or often stating false information when they did. I slowly started believing I was inherently evil and inevitably damned to hell due to (1) some dated LDS literature on homosexuality, (2) seeing picketed Prop 8 signs in front of homes, and (3) hearing in the 90ā€™s that a gay college student had been beaten and murdered. Because of this, I kept this secret like my life depended on it.

I battled secret suicide from a very young age and currently wonder just how young other LGBT+ youth experience this too. I wish they (and everyone) didnā€™t equate anything with personal value, being unworthy of love, or not being enough. Weā€™re intrinsically just that. 

I fantasized about redemption enough that I became the epitome of scrupulosity and developed extreme depression and anxiety. If someone saw I wasnā€™t perfect, would they see Iā€™m gay, bring picket signs to my house, and beat me until dead? Would my family miss me or be ashamed if they knew why I was murdered?

In hopes of proving I was worthy of heterosexuality, Godā€™s love, and Heaven, I tried to be an exemplar youth. You bet I served the most obedient and successful LDS mission I could! I fasted, prayed, sacrificed over and beyond what was right and healthy in order to be cured of being me. There was nothing I wouldnā€™t do on that mission. Looking back throughout my life, I robbed so many (what could have been) wonderful and beautiful experiences of their value. 

When I returned from my mission, I was devastated that I was still gay. I felt so much betrayal by God. I hit a mental breaking point and suicide became even more real. After some time, I came out to some friends and my family and for the next few years I frequently switched between dating wonderful men and women. When dating women, I told myself the discomfort I felt was righteousness generalized that statement to everything elseā€”if it was lonely, sad, or uncomfortable then it was always righteous. When dating men, I associated beautiful relief with utter guilt. Only years of therapy would later undo what I did to my mental health for the sake of ā€œrighteousness.ā€

During that time, I dated off-and-on the greatest person I know. After 5 years we were married and sealed. I started a blog called ā€œBeing Out Is Inā€ that detailed how we made things work in a mixed orientation marriage. I was happy in many ways, but grew even more sick (could that possible?). Could someone die of loneliness in a room full of the people he loved most? Was I not sealed to the most wonderful girl Iā€™d ever met? Didnā€™t I have children? Was I not serving in the bishopric? Wasnā€™t I pursuing an education? Why was I getting sickerā€”was this not righteousness?

Unfortunately, my mental health deteriorated to a critical point during our marriage. After some time, I realized there were no other reasons for this other than the forgery I was putting myself through since I was a kid.

After a lot of help from loved ones, prayer, and some time, my wife and I decided to separate. A year later, our friendship has grown even in the midst of a painful, yet loving divorce. I have been able to reclaim my health in ways I didnā€™t know existed and maintain her friendship! I do normal things now likeā€¦ sleeping at night! I can get out of bed in mornings now! I eat food consistently now! Happy feelings make me happy, not guilty! Is this what normal feels like? Itā€™s wonderful!

Over the past year I learned personal revelation supersedes other revelations; that if you donā€™t agree with someone elseā€™s revelation, thenā€¦donā€™t live it? But you acknowledge that itā€™s as valid as your own. Thatā€™s one way I can love better.

I was also able to love better when I learned that God is gray. When He sees your heart, thatā€™s Him seeing your actions within the context. God commanded, ā€œthou shalt not kill.ā€ But didnā€™t God also command Nephi to kill someone given the greater context? Wasnā€™t Mary not wed when she conceived her first child? Didnā€™t Christ overtly not follow previously prophetically instructed doctrine, policy, and tradition? When I realized this I was able to love better, both others and myself.

Iā€™m gay and Iā€™m excited about it. Iā€™m excited people are now open and want to listen and understand. I hope hearing a little of my story can help. Thank you for reading it!

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This In My Own Words story is a contribution from Letā€™s Love Better, a Facebook group dedicated to helping people learn to better share love, while fostering an atmosphere of understanding.  When we know better, we do better.  

 

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