I guess my story starts in 5th grade, although I didn’t know I was gay at the time. There was this guy in my group of friends that I had a dream about. Not a completely appropriate dream might I add. But I had that dream, and after that I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I got this weird feeling every time I was around him, and I didn’t realize it then, but I guess I had a sort of crush on him. But like I said, I didn’t realize this so I didn’t think anything of it and I moved on. I don’t really count him as my first guy crush.
Middle school came around, and this is when puberty is hitting and you develop sexual attraction. I was attracted girls, but it only felt like a shallow emotional connection to them. I never had any sexual attraction to a girl, but I viewed it as me controlling myself and not being a douchebag that only wants sex. So, I thought I was just one of those nice guys that girls talked about and wished they had, and I always wanted to be that. I wanted to find a girl and treat her like a queen, marry her and have kids and just live a happy life. But that wasn’t the case. I realized I was sexually attracted to guys but I still didn’t think I was gay. Just thought it was a phase. At this time I still had a high pitched voice and people used to make fun of me and call me gay all the time and I’d deny it cause I honestly didn’t think I was.
Then 8th grade came around.
So, I’m in 8th grade, and still completely oblivious to my sexuality because I still crushed on girls. The beginning of second quarter this new guy walks into my first period. The moment I saw him I was just like woah. I tried to deny any type of attraction. I kept telling myself “no, he’s a guy, you’re a guy, you can’t have feelings for him, this will go away”. But it didn’t. So, I remembered what this one girl told me in 6th grade that every guy will go through a phase where he sees another guy and thinks “oh, he’s attractive” so I figured that’s what this was. But we became good friends and I knew I liked him. I couldn’t deny it. There was a week during the year where I didn’t talk to anyone. I was just quiet and depressed because I was trying to figure out my sexuality. So i came to the conclusion that I was bisexual. And i decided I would just ignore my feelings for guys and only focus on girls I liked. But that didn’t work. I fell hard for this guy. To this day, I have never felt so strongly toward someone as I did for him.
When high school came, I had to try and forget about him because I went to a different school than all of my friends from middle school because of the city I lived in. But getting over him took a really long time. This past year (Freshman year at UVU) I was working in a store in the University Mall in Orem and he came in and my heart dropped to my feet when I saw him. It was a feeling I can’t even explain. It was every emotion all at once and I was shaking when I was helping him find a shirt. But anyways, in my Senior year in high school I was still convinced I was bisexual, had a few crushes on girls, but also on my former best friend who I’m almost positive is bisexual and in the closet but that’s irrelevant.
I didn’t come to terms with the fact that I was gay until a few months ago. I should also mention that this entire time I was extremely depressed and hated myself and just wanted to die. I did NOT want to like guys. But in 12th grade I knew I was gay, I couldn’t say I was bi anymore. The little girl crushes were gone and I only liked guys. All of this was too much for me to handle and keep hiding so i decided to tell my best friend after she had told me about one of our mutual friends coming out. I couldn’t actually say the words though. I tried to make her guess but i had to give her a hint. I said “it’s what everyone used to say about me” and she’s like “I think I know, but I don’t want to say it and be wrong” and i had to tell her to just say it like 10 times before she said “You’re gay?” and I said yes. She told me I looked like I was gonna puke and pass out, which i really felt like doing. She was really supportive and happy for me, considering she is bisexual. But it went well and I still confide in her for everything.
A month later I came out to my other best friend and she didn’t believe me at first but when she realized i was serious, she cried. She said it was because she was so surprised but then she later told me it was because she had had feelings for me for the last 2 years, but she was glad cause now she didn’t have to worry about liking me anymore. She was also supportive and would a few months later come out to tell me that she was bisexual.
The next person I told ended up being a guy I liked (we’ll call him John). So me and John were pretty good friends and I really thought he felt something for me too, so i worked up the nerve (although it took me a while) to come out to him. I almost chickened out for like the 10th time but before he walked into his apartment, i said “wait”. He came back and after a short, but seemingly long pause i told him I was gay. He was completely cool with it, didn’t make a difference. But i went in my house and cried lol. I later messaged him on Facebook about why i told him, but i didnt actually say it. He just kinda said oh wait…i think i know why. And neither of us wanted to put it into actual words so we left it at that. But afterwards, if anything we got closer, so that went well, but he eventually moved away. But a little after I told him, I was still dealing with depression and hating who i was and attempted suicide twice. Although half-heartedly, but I wanted to and what stopped me was my best friend told me if I did it, she would too.
I’m just itching to be fully out. But at the same time im too afraid to. I feel like i should just wait until next semester at college. Think I’ll just go with that. But as for my family, they wont know any time soon. My mom has expressed her feelings about having gay children and she definitely doesn’t want any. Too bad. But if i do decide to ever tell her, it won’t be until im financially independent so I won’t have to worry about being cut off. Contrary to most people, I think my dad will be easier to come out to. But im not completely sure what he would say. He’s kind of unpredictable, but I do think he will say he still loves me whether he accepts it or not. But now im at a point where i do accept myself. I know Im gay, and sometimes im even glad that I am. I do still have my moments, but nowhere close to how i used to be. Im just waiting for the day where i finally feel liberated, and also for when I finally find a guy that i can share my life with. I’ve currently never been in a relationship. I dated one of my best friends for like 2 weeks sophomore year but i knew i didn’t like her and it was horrible to put her through that, so i broke up with her and were still best friends to this day!
Well, that is my in progress coming out story, sorry for the length, but i just wanted to put it out there. I can already tell it really does get better. Although I’m not at that point where everyone knows and I can just completely be who I am, it still has gotten better for me since the beginning and that’s evidence enough.
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