I have been born into the church, and have grown up with it. I am bisexual and married to a cis straight man. I lived in a small town where 90% of the population was LDS. I always told myself I didn’t like girls, that was silly, I just like to draw them (I am an artist by profession now). I denied anything lgbtq out of fear that the part of me deep down inside is true.
Even after I got married, I still didn’t accept that I find girls attractive as well.
Whenever those thoughts and feelings came around, I acted like I was in a shady part of town: didn’t make eye contact, locked my car doors, and sped off into the straight laced part of church culture.
Cue to me with my mother in law, sister in law, and their chick friends gossiping about the Ellen show while we wait in line for our tickets to a showing of Little Women at the theater. These wonderful LDS women invited me to be with them, and I was happy about it but felt out of place. I had never seen any version or read Little women.
We sit down and watch the movie. There is a character that isn’t in love with her childhood best friend despite him professing his love endlessly. He is supposed to be the textbook perfect husband for her, but she isn’t interested.
I was growing more excited as the story went on, because I thought that she could be a lesbian or asexual and that would have been very progressive for the LDS community to enjoy it so much with a lesbian in the movie.
This is not the case.
Afterward talking on the drive home, all of the women I went to the movie with were disappointed that the character I perceived to be lesbian didn’t fall for the guy.
And I don’t know why, but it hurt my heart and insides, seeing that despite the girl being her own person, they were disappointed in her.
When I got home, I cried so loudly and with such a broken heart. My soul had had enough of hiding, from myself and from others. That night I came out to myself and to my husband as bisexual. He is very supportive and we are still happily married.
I didn’t think that Little Women would make me cry.
And in the end, it did.
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