Hey I’m Marsh, I like playing guitar, reading lots of books, and studying history. Also socially weird and my only small talk conversation starters are esoteric like knowing the names of birthstone gems or the bizarre and macabre world of methods of public execution.

When I was young I wanted to be someone who had to read books for a living and I got bookcases of practice from my education at Utah State University where I earned a Bachelors in Arts, History.

I am still on the way to more education in perhaps a Masters in Anthropology or History Education.

One of the reasons I love history is because there are so many interesting and unreal stories that have occurred in the past and our journeys are all part of the same collective story that is humanity.

I knew that I was gay when I was in high school I would not allow myself to express my sexuality at all because I was terrified of how my family, friends, and people in general would react. I remember reading the Book of Mormon late at night and looking up at the night sky wondering what I even was and what i was going to do about it.

I served a full-time mission in the Carlsbad and Irvine, California missions and it was truly my best two years. I was SUPER shy and reserved before my mission but my mission experience transformed me into a brave and not-so-shy young man. However, I still kept my secrets. I thought that my mission could break me out of what I thought was a phase and what I believed I could shrug off. I remember testifying to a young man on my mission in a missionary lesson that he was loved y God and important to his Heavenly Father and I wished I could beam my own truth of who I was through the air into him but I was not ready. I took me until I finished my mission that I came out.

I was dating a girl at the time but I coincidentally was taking to a guy that I really wanted to know completely and intimately. He was so charming and he made me excited about every little thing, so much energy and wholesomeness that I wanted to be with him nearly every day.

My relationship with the girl I was dating was becoming distant and she kept asking me why I was so withdrawn and just friendly to her. I didn’t have the courage to say it but instead I didn’t want to hurt her with my half-sincere behavior that I decided to break up with her. We both left each other in tears and I went home and I knelt on the ground and I was mad at God mad at myself and I told my parents right then that I broke up and that I was gay and that I had intense feelings for another guy. The absolute terrible thing that happened was that I went to this young man and in a flustered way and he rejected my love for him and he avoided me and stayed away from me. He reached out years later at a comic con and just wanted to say sorry for acting the way he did. We had a cordial meeting but that was that and we are just good friends now.

Regrettably, I took his rejection badly and I stopped attending church because of my sorrow. My family were still confused and at the time believed that I was not gay. We got on bad terms and we agreed that I go to BYU-Idaho to see if I could get away from the situation at home.

I had my first gay date at BYU-Idaho, my first male kiss, my heart was fluttering and my attitude towards the church had soured. I wanted to flow with the wind and let my desires lead me wherever.

I imagined myself a free gay man and I threw caution to the wind and I let my boundaries go and wound up picking up bad habits. I got lost in the world of sex and pornography and had my own channel of sexual exposition. I have deleted my online presence just FYI. I felt like my value was only good for good time (or funds on a website where I got money) and every time I got paid I felt hollow more and more. I was traveling to different states to film and I was living so transiently all while going to college. I felt strung out from the work, the drugs, and I just felt so numb after awhile. I got so majorly depressed that I tried several times to take my own life. Suicide is a harsh theme that creeps into my life nearly every week and I have been in therapy and inside and out of hospitals. I still struggle with this. I thankfully have medication to boost my mood but even then I wonder if I am truly my authentic self.

I always prayed to Heavenly Father to change me but I never took the initiative and change myself. So I did. I cut ties with my past life, my habits and I have recently been attending church back in my hometown. I am still healing and becoming familiar again to my Heavenly Father’s love. I no longer have my membership records in the Mormon church but I am in a stage in my life where I am not sure if I want to be rebaptized or just recover my value and make healthy connections instead.

One thing I want people to understand about me is that I’m alive and I am just a man that wants to love and respect every soul around me. I am healing and I am hoping to one day find that one guy out there that will keep me and deal with my bs as much as possible.

What I need from the community is more connections. I left all my old connections behind and I just feel alone and weakened like a wet towel. I hope to make friends and contribute to the happiness of others around me.