Hey everyone! My name is Luke Leetham. I am a 20 year old musician from Salt Lake City, Utah. I sing in a band called Totem City, nanny for a lovely family, and am a Star Wars fanatic. I am also gay.

I knew I was attracted to men when I was 12 years old. At the time, I didn’t really know what the word “gay” meant. I just assumed every guy thought that men were attractive. In my little pre-teen head, I thought we just dated and married the opposite sex because that’s how the world works.

I remember going to church one Sunday and having a lesson about sexual morality in my Teacher’s Quorum (I was 14 at the time). During this lesson, our leader brought up homosexuality and described it as an abomination in the eyes of God, and that it’s a sinful behavior. He said that homosexuality was one of the worst sins a human could commit along with denying Christ and murder.

After that lesson I felt awful about myself. I constantly found myself praying alone in my room asking God to take away my “sinful nature.” I thought that if I fulfilled my callings, dated women, and prayed enough I could be cured. If I found a guy attractive, I would stop hanging out with them. I cut ties with friends out of fear that I might act on my “ungodly behavior.” I started to feel helpless, abandoned, and alone. I desperately wanted to share how I felt with my family and my church leaders, but I couldn’t bear the thought of being rejected from the people I loved.

It took me a few years before I was finally able to accept myself for who I was. And that my sexuality wasn’t going to change.

I finally got the courage to come out to my mom and dad right before my 17th birthday. I was too scared to say it out loud so I texted my mom as she sat next to me. She responded with a hug as we both sat and cried in the living room. It felt good to share my secret with someone, but I also felt embarrassed. In my head, I thought my family would perceive me as though I was sick. I know now that I couldn’t have been more wrong! My family has been very supportive of me and the LGBTQ+ community. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for their love and support.

I attended church and seminary for most of my junior year and eventually came out to my friends. I didn’t get a very good reception at my high school and had to switch over to Alta High School for my senior year. During my last year of high school, I had a faith crisis and decided it was best if I stepped away from the Mormon Church. Although I disagree with most of the Mormon teachings, I do love the emphasis they put on family. Whether it’s the one you’re born into, adopted into, or the one you build yourself, family is forever.

I struggle with how the church treats it’s LGBTQ+ members. The church will preach “love one another” one day, and then say that our existence is an abomination. I do not understand how a loving Heavenly Father would make someone gay, bisexual, pansexual, or transgender just so He could condemn them. It’s cruel.

The Mormon Church (especially the Mormon Culture of Utah) needs to know that queer people exist. It’s not a choice we make. Just like how you didn’t choose to be straight or cisgender. All I want is to be myself. All the LGBTQ+ community wants is the right to be themselves. I should be allowed to marry the person I love. We should all be allowed to be who we were born to be. This life is too short to pretend to be someone your not.

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This In My Own Words story is a contribution from Let’s Love Better, a Facebook group dedicated to helping people learn to better share love, while fostering an atmosphere of understanding.  When we know better, we do better.