I started wearing this rainbow heart pin to church before Covid-19 shut the doors to my church. It’s a reminder to me of never going back into the lonely dark closet I lived in most of my life. It’s also a challenge to myself to open my mouth when unkind things are said about my gay brothers and sisters.
Regardless if even one of my church leaders saying that me coming out was “inappropriate “. Because of my deep internalized homophobia I just sat there when jokes where made or the evils of the “gay agenda” was being denounced in one of the church men’s group I attend. It makes me sad when I think about those times. Because, I was actually glad when these things happened because if they where willing to say these things around me maybe it meant my deep dark shameful secret I was queer hadn’t been discovered. Since I came out last year it’s been a mixed bag for me.
I have experienced such profound love from my family, friends and many from my faith community. Unfortunately I’ve also had some judgement and criticism from those I worship with. Maybe that is to be expected in this fallen world we live in but in all honesty it still hurts. I hope I can help any of you who are confused or afraid to come to understand what it’s like to be queer and Christian. Maybe just maybe you might start by getting to know your gay brothers and sisters understand a little better how to help us bear our burdens and to succor (run to) us.
One thing I do know is the silence I’m currently receiving from my faith community. It is not good for me or you. I hope there will come a time when I can be completely free of my own fears of being gay. A time when I stop editing myself when unkind things are said about our gay brothers and sisters in church or whatever the context is and be willing to open my mouth. I look forward to a time when I’ll be completely free of the last remnants of the soul crushing internalized homophobia I still carry. I think when that day comes I’ll be able to remove my “very gay” rainbow heart pin.
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This story is dedicated to helping people learn to love better, while fostering an atmosphere of understanding. When we know better, we do better.