My name is Daryk Childs and I live in Japan. I received a scholarship from the Japanese government to finish school out here. This scholarship came at a perfect time in my life, because I was able to escape the environment that encompassed the darkness in my life. The longer I was in Utah, the more it hurt. After a few months of being an ocean away, I started to tell people the part of me I kept hidden for so long—that I was gay.

Telling people started with a friend or two; this helped me get used to saying it to people other than who I was dating. I needed to get comfortable telling people so that I could be ready to tell my parents. Telling my friends, though, was relatively easy. The people I told were usually never surprised. The credit for that goes to the rumors throughout junior high and high school. When the rumors started, I wasn’t entirely accepting of the truth about my sexuality. For teenagers, though, it was fun to have someone new and something new to gossip about. I never wanted to confront the rumors, or the people that I knew spread them. I didn’t want to confront that truth about my sexuality. So, consequently, it was easier to not confront anyone at all. My early years of lunch time in junior high were spent off school grounds or in the abandoned second floor of the school, alone.

This became a habit—being alone. At age 12 I knew I wasn’t attracted to girls. Other people knew it too. As a teenager, being gay was a common topic of jokes and jests and a common topic of ‘what not to do or be’ during church lessons. In a school with over 80% LDS Member student ratio, it was naturally easier—if not the only option—to distance myself from the people who taught and told me to not be me.

The hardest part was that I gained a strong testimony of the church at a young age. I found awe, wonder, and love in both Christ and in God. Yet even in a church which taught me that all men are fellow children of God and loved, I was told that I couldn’t love. Of course, I loved my family and friends and God. But God was distant and my family and friends would eventually move on. If my life choice was to not be alone—and be with a man—the church teaches me that I would consequentially have eternal life in its highest form stripped away, as a result of loving the only people I am able to—guys. Because unlike popular belief, being gay is not just about sexuality, it’s about loving. Loving in a way that we as children of God need and are capable of.

Despite my attraction to men and the difficulties of being gay and Mormon, I had a strong testimony in the gospel, and I knew God loved me and His children. I decided to serve a two-year mission and was called to Japan. I worked hard and did all that I could to show my devotion to the gospel. Towards the end of my mission, in 2015, the church officially released their stance on LGBT members in the church on lds.org. I wanted to follow the church and these teachings. When I returned to Utah, I believed I could make a heterosexual marriage work despite the fact that I was gay. I dated girls who loved me and logistically would have become a perfect wife and family. Unfortunately for them, I never even wanted to hold their hands or get myself to kiss them, no matter how many times they made it apparent that they wanted to.

I realized how harmful it was for the other person in heterosexual relationships when I broke up with my girlfriend after five months of dating. I never thought of her as anything more than a friend, so she cried and asked me why I was breaking up with her. She loved me and it broke her heart. I couldn’t tell her why I didn’t like her; she was kind, loving, pretty, and she tried so hard. There really was no reason other than the fact that I wasn’t attracted to women, both romantically and sexually. I realized that a heterosexual marriage wouldn’t work. At that point I lost all vision for my future. I looked to the only the other option the church gave, being alone. I was back to being alone, again. That was when I hit rock bottom.
I believe that we as children of God were sent here to love and be loved. We were sent to this earth as children of God, together. We are here for each other. This is such a core principle of the gospel, and it hurts so much when I am denied the opportunity to love someone else like we were created to. Prophets preach of the joy meant to be found in family and a partner, and unfortunately then follow up with the teachings that gay church members can never have this or they will be excommunicated.

For people who can simultaneously look towards the eternities that will be spent with the spouse that they love here on earth, life can be filled with joy. For gay members of the church, it is one choice or another. Neither choice will ever make us whole.

So please, for LGBT members like me who grow up alone and who are taught that they are required to be alone; be a brother or sister. Don’t leave them because of who they love. Don’t teach them who to date. Just accept them and love them. They need you. You need them. We need each other.
Eventually, I found the courage to tell my parents that I was gay, and shortly after, all of family and friends. “The pain of holding onto the lie was greater than the fear of letting go.” (Gus Kenworthy, gay Olympian) I’m now completely open about my sexuality, and for the first time ever, I’m not hiding. I’m not alone. I’m not uncomfortable with who I am, and I’m in control now. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life!

After my mission I ran away to college, and eventually ran away across the ocean to a new country because I didn’t feel accepted in my society. I’m just grateful I didn’t try to run away from life itself. I love this life that God has given me and will love in the way that brings me the joy that is intended for this life.

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This In My Own Words story is a contribution from Let’s Love Better, a Facebook group dedicated to helping people learn to better share love, while fostering an atmosphere of understanding.  When we know better, we do better.