Hello! my name is Brittany Kuoha. I’m 27, originally from Murrieta, California, and now living in Layton, Utah with my girlfriend, Mattie. I am a mechanic at U-Haul in Salt Lake City. I enjoy playing softball in the summer with my coworkers, long-boarding, coffee, surfing when I’m back home, re-watching the Office over and over, and Pokemon hunting with my girlfriend.

I grew up very active in the Church. I always felt different than my young women peers, but I loved attending church and activities. I learned to love the gospel and its teachings. It helped with my depression and anxiety. The first crush I remember having on a girl was the one I had on Naomi Watts when I was 12-ish and watched the Ring too many times. I didnt recognize it was a crush until years later. I didnt even realize that being gay was an option for me. I went all throughout high school, some college, and a mission having crushes on guys and not even having the thought of being gay was a possibility (though there were a lot of signs, looking back).

After my mission in Salt Lake, I moved there. I then fell in love with a married woman that I had known and grown close to on my mission. That relationship changed my life. The impossible was suddenly so very true. I finally was able to admit to myself that I was attracted to women. I came out to my best friend and two of my siblings as bisexual. But I did it in a way that was remorseful. I did it in a repentant way and moved home to California as part of that process. When that relationship was finally over, I decided to try to repent, get back to the temple, and pursue a temple marriage.

I met a man very soon after that. I thought it was a sign from God that I should marry in the temple. We were engaged 2 months later, and married 4 months after that. We moved to Salt Lake (again) for him to attend the University of Utah. I realized I was gay, not bisexual. I cried almost every single day. I felt happy for maybe the first few days, thinking that I did the right thing by getting married in the temple. I felt so trapped in a relationship that I felt no happiness in. There was more going on than just my lack of physical attraction, and in a way, I felt betrayed that God hadn’t “fixed” me. I prayed, read my scriptures, and went to the temple as often as I could. I was depressed and seriously considered suicide. I read the entire MormonAndGay website the day it came out. I read every article on lds.org that had to do with being gay. I consulted with my bishop, and a marriage counselor. My bishop said to me, “There is nothing wrong with accepting and loving yourself as God made you.” The marriage counselor he referred me to, who is also LDS, told me, “The church needs to realize that there is nothing wrong with a lesbian couple who want to raise kids, even in the church. If that’s where your heart is, that’s where you should be.” That advice was relieving and heartbreaking. I didn’t know what to do. I was not happy in my marriage, and I didn’t think I would be happy outside of the church. Suicide still seemed like the best way to be free from the hell I felt trapped in. Three and a half months after we were married, we decided to split.

I sent my parents a semi-formal email (because I’m bad with confrontation) telling them that I was a lesbian and that we would be getting a divorce. I was terrified. I felt like a failure. I felt so guilty for putting everyone through so much for my wedding. My parents didn’t know how to deal with it, and I don’t blame them. They felt a lot of anger, sadness, betrayal, etc. I was terrified to tell them, but I felt like I had to live authentically if I wanted to live at all.

I felt betrayed by God, since it seemed like He wasn’t answering my prayers. I felt like it wasn’t worth pursuing a relationship with a God that didn’t have a place for me in His eternal plan. I had a hard time with certain policies, doctrine, and treatment of LGBTQ+ people of the church or at BYU

I don’t currently attend, and when I do, its very sporadic. I’ve been looking into other churches as well. I have found that the LDS church is more based on policies and protocols, and other churches I’ve attended are more understanding of our human-ness. I have found that a lot of members expect us to be celibate and alone, when the basis of this existence is to find someone to love and raise a family with. I have had family members tell me that it makes them sad that I will no longer be a part of their eternal family. But I believe that an LGBTQ+ family is still sanctioned by God, and that God wants ALL of His children to be together in an eternity they can find happiness in. The temple is the thing I miss most about full fellowship in the church. But I believe that all families are deserving of eternal temple blessings. I believe that if members of the LDS church were to sit down with a member of the LGBTQ+ community and get to know them on a personal, friendly level, they would see that we are really just longing for our nature of loving someone to be a part of the plan of salvation. We just want to be included as God made us.

I believe God created me the way that I am. I don’t believe that He wants His LGBTQ+ children to forego happiness in a companion. I don’t believe He wants us to miss out on the happiness and wholeness that starting a family brings. I believe that God loves His children and created us all as we are. I believe that He wants all of us to live a happy life here on earth and do good to others and ourselves. I love that the church teaches such strong family values and I believe that LGBTQ+ families can share those same values. I love learning about Christ and His teachings and undeniable love for everyone.

After almost two years since coming out completely, I have had a lot of ups and downs. My parents have come to understand a lot more about me. They have seen that I am much happier now, and they have been very loving to my girlfriend. I try to live my life as authentically as I can. If you live your life as if nothing is different, and your LGBTQ+ identity is normal, people start to see that too. My family has become more tolerant, more accepting, more loving, and more understanding. They have put a lot of effort into understanding my point of view and my life. I am so grateful for the love and support I’ve received from my family, friends, ward members, etc.

Don’t give up on who you are. God made you this way! He loves you, and wants you to know that there are people out there that love you for you. Live and love authentically, and you will be loved authentically.

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This In My Own Words story is a contribution from Let’s Love Better, a Facebook group dedicated to helping people learn to better share love, while fostering an atmosphere of understanding.  When we know better, we do better.