I’m in a mixed faith marriage where I’m trying to save my family. I had a faith transition 4 years ago and I told my wife about it about 16 months ago. Her narrative is of a strong literal orthodoxy that I came from as well. I respect her not willing to consider my beliefs or journey, but it is painful. Her thoughts are that my change must be because I have sinned, or found evil twisted sources that would twist my mind and logic. I don’t want to loose her or the kids, but I also don’t feel safe to be me, because of her perspectives and beliefs.
I share this not to disparage her, but to make a parallel of how I used to be so orthodox that I considered LGBTQ+ as being sexual deviants that had something happen to them that lead them down a dark path that they seem not to be able to come out of.
I was so wrong and I’m so sad I had a perception as this.
Over time it evolved, but I really never had any close friends that were LGBTQ+, well not that I knew of. As part of my transition I listed to Mormon Stories and especially the Benji Schwimmer episodes. At one time I messaged Benji directly, I was still somewhat of a believer. He was on guard. He was a little sharp with me at first as he has had a lot of friends not make the journey. The pain and sorrow is real. I felt it. I expressed that I was not judging or said something to ease his mind as to my intent on reaching out.
I started doing more and more research. The deeper I delved into the individual stories of the LGBTQ community, the more I realized that it isn’t about sex at all. It isn’t about some deviant behavior or sexual drive or addiction. It wasn’t because of loosing your soul and not having the spirit be with you.
My transition away from the faith has helped me become an advocate in my heart. My heart has changed. My charity extends to all. I have learned to mourn with those that mourn. I am no saint, but I see more evil from the literal narrative I held than what I hold now. I feel more aligned to Christ’s teachings, even though I really don’t know if there is a Christ.
Due to my transition, I have lost trust in those that implied a full trust in truth. I can’t hold to that any longer and so my trust is in love. Only in love can we learn to mourn. Only in love can we truly make this world a better place. Where marginalization can’t coincide with the pure in heart. Where the narrative of an all unconditional loving Heavenly Parents truly comes to light as we put all things aside and just seek to love, understand, listen and mourn.
I have suffered a lot in my transition in coming to an awakened state. The pain has been worth it. I feel whole. I feel pure, not because I am better than others, but because I am authentic. I embrace the authenticity of those that have the courage to be themselves to their fullest. You are beautiful. You are of worth. You…. You matter. Me… well I’m just me, nobody, but look at you… look at you, so wonderful, so beautiful. Embrace yourself, stand and live. Throw out the hate, give distance where needed, and live to your fullest. And don’t forget to help lift and yoke with those you can help. Look how far you have come. It is beautiful.
One of my greatest gifts was to learn to love. I didn’t know what love was before as I had barriers that marginalized. I have so far to go, but I like to take a look back at times to see how far I have come.
Even though my beliefs may be different than many, they are just that, mine. I can’t rebuild the narrative, but I can help save lives, be a friend, mourn, and embrace the love that is within us all and share it with the world. I encourage all believers to do one thing, just one. Give room in your heart for opening that door in your mind, that God’s two great commandments, don’t come with conditions, don’t marginalize and don’t lift one above another. All are equal in God. None are more worthy, or more evil than another. We are all sinners and all fallen. So let us stand together and love… just love… Love.
My journey has been the hardest thing in my life. But I embrace it and I’m grateful. Not being LGBTQ+ myself I can’t ever fully understand. But if my transition can be considered beautiful, oh please trust that your journey will be too. Not in the moment, not in the sorrows, but in the beauty you will find within as you find yourself, your life and your joys. Stand up, rise up, be whole, be you the best way you can, and when you go as far as you can, know that is enough for now. You might be a caterpillar right now, but one day you will be that beautiful butterfly. If there is a God, God made you to be beautiful.
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This story is dedicated to helping people learn to love better, while fostering an atmosphere of understanding. When we know better, we do better.
