My coming out story has been many years in the process (just like my life, I guess.} About 18 months ago I reached out to an anonymous blogger who wrote a few articles about lesbian experiences. I did it as a last-ditch attempt to try to figure out what was going on in my life. I never told my husband or family about my SSA. Keeping that secret bottled up inside of me nearly destroyed my life. I was depressed beyond belief. Just like so many that follow the Latter Gay Stories, I was really active in the LDS church and I thought that keeping the church as the center of my life would keep the SSA feelings away. I actually think the opposite happened, because the more I gave to the church the more I felt the gay things I needed in my life weren’t wrong or sinful. It was like my own personal revelation, I guess.
I suppose we could fast forward to the night I got the courage to send this anonymous lesbian blogger a message through her blog. I was in a pretty awful place that night. To be honest, I was considering driving my car off of a nearby cliff and into the reservoir. I had allowed the church and society to shame me into thinking I was broken and worthless. I sent a quick message to this woman and simply said: “hi, you don’t know me, but I follow your blog. I am a married woman, I know I am gay and I think my family would be better off not knowing the ugliness that I am.”
Amazingly, within a few minutes my phone had a notification. This blogger had replied to my message!!! Oh, no!, I thought. Now what?
I picked up my phone and responded.
We started chatting.
I know I must have sounded like a lunatic to her as I was sobbing and trying to find the words to tell her what my disaster of a life had turned into. This anonymous woman was the first person I spit out the words “I am gay” to. It was an amazing feeling. I didn’t feel like there was any shame in saying that to her– it was just freeing. We talked a lot about her own journey outside of the closet and she gave me some awesome tips to help me move forward in finally telling my husband.
I literally THANK GOD that she was around to let me vent that night.
About two weeks later I sat down with my husband and I told him the whole story. I started with when I was young and my teen years and after I came home from my mission. Telling him was really difficult. We cried a lot and we hugged a lot. With him I shared some of my emotional infidelities and I know that he was so hurt because I could see it in the way he reacted. I had to tell him though. If we were going to make any progress in life I had to be honest with my husband about everything.
Coming out to my husband has been life changing for both of us. He is sooooo Mormon (its sometimes sickening), but he’s so much more accepting of the LGBT community than the overwhelming majority in the Church. We do have a long road ahead but I CAME OUT. I did it! I survived some of the darkest days of my life. I have this and many other communities to thank for that.
I debated if I even share my story here. So many of the other stories seem so powerful and beneficial. My story was hard and it wasn’t easy to relive. Maybe by reading my short story you can start to steady up foundation and run away from the flimsy base you’ve been building all these years. My life is so much happier now than it has ever been. I feel like there is a lot of hope left in me. I would love you all to feel what I feel right now. I was so close to driving off a cliff into a reservoir to avoid the pain of coming out.
That would have been the wrong choice—full stop. I know today what I didn’t know then: I am not broken and I am needed.
We want to hear your story—here’s how to share it with us…
Each Sunday we feature a new Coming Out Story on the Latter Gay Stories website. Coming out is an important process that is different for everyone. Some experiences are difficult; while others are heart-warming and inspiring.
Coming out is rarely easy—but your story will help others draw inspiration and make progress by learning from your experiences.
We rely on weekly submissions to keep the Coming Out Stories alive and invite you to share your story now.