I started pondering over my sexuality while still in the seventh grade. An incident occurred between a really close friend and me. My friend sat next to me and told me that she was in love with someone in our very small friend group. She and I were just sitting in the corner of science class, so I quietly started naming off each one of our mutual friends, and she shook her head each time. Finally, I realized that I was the only person left to name.
My world completely shattered. My best friend had a crush on me and I didn’t feel the same way about her. Not only did I end up breaking my friend’s fragile heart, I had to deal with my friend making me feel guilty for not reciprocating romantic feelings toward her.
As for her coming out, I didn’t have a single problem with her being lesbian. She was my friend, I loved her in a sister-type way, and that wouldn’t change. I was actually glad that she told me and could trust me. Plus, I pretty much already knew because she acted super gay around me all the time.
But I felt uncomfortable and a huge weight was now pressing down on my shoulders. I broke her heart. I won’t ever be able to change that. But I came to the conclusion that she took advantage of me. She wanted to force me to love her, but then she’d say that’s exactly what she didn’t want to do.
This was a difficult experience for our friendship. She continued to make advanced to me and I felt obligated to back away from her. I hated everything that happened between us because of the whole coming out/love confession thing, but the entire situation opened my eyes a lot. Especially because I was hiding a secret too.
When eighth grade started, I found a new best friend; and over the course of a year, I was trying to determine what my sexuality was.
I asked myself questions and gave myself the most honest answers I could:
- Would I really ever date a girl? If I truly loved her, yes.
- Do I still like guys? Obviously.
- Do I like girls or guys more? I’m not sure.
- Am I bisexual? Most likely.
I struggled a lot while trying to figure out my sexuality. To this day, I struggle. I don’t think it’ll ever stop. It’s gotten better, though. When I first came out to myself, I felt repulsed and wanted to vomit every time I thought about it. I embrace it now. Sadly this is what we are taught as Latter Day Saints. We must live in a black and white world. An either/or experience. Members of the Church are taught that there is no gray area, or room for difference: it is either this or that with no questioning.
For myself, I went through so many sexuality labels: gay, bisexual, homoflexible, heteroflexible, and at one point, even asexual.
Little by little and over time, I put the pieces together and everything started making actual sense. The puzzle will never be finished, let’s just say that much. But it’s coming along quite great.
The first person I had to come out to was myself. I am a bisexual female. I’ve accepted myself, and that’s good enough for me at the moment.
I finally have real answers to give myself now.
The next step was to tell my mom and dad. I think it is easier to come out as bisexual and not just lesbian or gay. I say that in relation to being Mormon. Something about saying you’re bi is easier to grasp for parents when they still believe there is a chance you will marry “normally”. There is still a 50% chance that I will still marry a man.
My coming out was pretty simple. I was in the living room watching the movie Love, Simon. My parents came in and watched the show with me. I could tell they were getting a little uncomfortable when they started to understand the plot of the movie. If you haven’t seen the movie, its basically a teen gay love story. Near the end of the movie at an emotional part of the movie I looked at my mom and told her that I was like Simon. I was bisexual. Together we had a long discussion about my journey. My parents were kind and understanding, but they tried to reaffirm that the Church doesn’t believe in bisexuality. Whatever. I know what I like, and I like both.
I wanted to post my coming out story to let others know that it’s okay to not know what you’re feeling. It’s ok to not know what your sexuality or gender is right away.
Some days, you will feel like you’re flying, and other days, you will feel like you lost it all. Things get better, they will. I promise you.
Don’t immediately come out if you don’t feel safe or if you’re uncomfortable with the idea of coming out. Do it when you feel confident and ready. You may never come out. That’s okay, too.
My advice is to stay strong. If you feel alone, the internet is a great way to meet LGBT+ people. Hotlines are also available and they are completely anonymous. Talk to a close friend that you genuinely trust about what you’re going through.
Or post your own coming out story to a site like this one.
Some more tips: Don’t be judgemental of other people. Have an open mind. Be loving, be caring, be yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you who are. Don’t meet their expectations, meet your own. Have self-love.
Coming out takes time and I find it to be a mental battle. But there will always be a rainbow at the end of every storm.
Stay safe. And be gay. ❤
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Each Sunday we feature a new Coming Out Story on the Latter Gay Stories blog. Coming out is an important process that is different for everyone; some experiences are difficult; while others are heart-warming and inspiring. Coming out is rarely easy–but your story will help others draw inspiration from your own experience. We rely on weekly submissions to keep the Coming Out Stories alive and invite you to share your story now.